So what is emotional self-mutilation?

It is this covert act that I commit upon myself every time I wake up, every moment I breathe. I have been forbidden and made "contracts" not to self-harm. I have not. Instead inside my swirling brain I do such fun things as thinking of ways I cannot kill myself.

• I cannot overdose
• I cannot slit my wrists
• I cannot drive off a cliff
• I cannot drown myself

Instead, I go to therapy 2 times a week. I take a fistful of pills every night. I go to group once a week. I live a half-life. One between depression and reality. One where I reside alone.

If I can just be quiet enough, still enough, it will not hurt.