God I want to cut.
Not fine beautiful lines with a razor.
I liked the shell.
It took a lot of force and effort to draw blood.
It was bulky and awkward like me.
Not only did it cut... it bruised.

I hate this life I have
This life of self-imposed invisible mutilation.
I hate when it lingers in front of me and I am silent.
I hate
I hate
I hate!
I hate counting to feel better and it not working no number is enough to remove the pain the invisibility I feel. The ugliness.

I hate being me.
I hate my skin and the way it crawls across me as a constant reminder of who I am.
I HATE.

I hate my legs my arms my face my breasts and the way I want to cut them off not with a surgeons scalpel but with a hatchet. No delicacy for me. Nothing soft or smooth but brash and ugly. I want to look as ugly as I feel. I want it to be palpable.

I want to remove this pain. This feeling that will not subside in me. I want to get high. I want to get stupid. I want that moment of release when I feel something and nothing all at once.

I WANT TO NOT HATE SO FUCKING MUCH.